The Angel Protecting Your Future, or, For the Love of Lucas

I.

The issue with magic and the existence of angels is that if one does not believe in either or both, they will miss it and/or run it over with their car.

II.

It has been quite a (long) six days.

Friday afternoon I received an envelope mailed to my house by a former date of mine from a while back that included a beautiful letter of thank you and a handmade gift.

I will use this as my beginning simply because it was a notable moment of warmth before events, unrelated, fell directly into the toilet.

The next few days would go on to involve incidents I had to stop counting, multiple police departments, multiple nights, security footage, forced entry, and ending with the last 24 hours that involved a group of three men at night, me and a wooden baseball bat.

My head hurts.

I feel so grateful for the people who surround me.

These statements are true in equal amounts.

Here is to the beautiful balance of standing up for yourself, letting those that love you stand up for you, standing up for other people and standing up for the people that you love.


III.

(related to II. and a reoccurring theme both as of late and forever)

What you do, individually, matters.

Don't let people fuck with you about this and don't let people shit talk who don't have their sleeves rolled up and hearts exposed in what matters. If they don't, they really aren't much more than those asshole old white dudes who sat in the balcony during The Muppet Show and talked shit about everything. (Admittedly funny as fuck at times, but, what were they actually doing with their lives other than sitting on a couch and watching/judging people actually doing shit?)

On levels political and personal, I want to applaud and encourage folks who are engaging. Who aren't sure what to say or do, but say or do something that matters anyway. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be.

Thank you to those who are engaging in ways that feel scary or uncertain. It's important that this is happening on all levels. It's incredible how much matter can come out of one person's willingness to be a brave, bad-ass, imperfect motherfucker and address the things that need to be addressed in the world or in their lives all while being kind. (Being kind is what moves things forward in the world. That balance of bold truth and kindness.)

Those who stay on their couches in their balconies can have their husks
their scraps
their private frowns.

Perhaps one day they'll join us.

(pause)

I'm going to leave you with this quote. The ideas within the words have been sticking with me in past few weeks in ways that matter:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."

Here's to those who have gotten off their couches and stepped out of their balconies to engage in love and in what matters.



Be well; be loved,

k.


(title: 2nd half: Most of my life I have over related to Corey Haim's character in the movie Lucas. )
(Image: Chris Friel, 8:28 week 3 #6)
(quote from T. Roosevelt)

Shame Shedding and the Beauty of Strangers

A few weeks back, in October, I had written a line with two people in mind.  It read :

"With bullies and liars it's only a matter of time."

You have no idea.

Let me back up.

About two months ago, I did some really brave things having to do with a person who sexually assaulted me. I can't go into it here, but, suffice it to say that I named him as an assaulter in contexts I had to. The contexts and manner were balls out and completely unapologetic. It is his shame, not mine.  (I know I should not be ashamed. It is a struggle. It's the nature of sexual assault and living in a society that rarely believes people. Anyone who has been sexually assaulted will tell you this.  Shout out to all of my sexual partners literally any year after this assault happened. I can't tell you how much trust this strips. Every consensual touch, kiss, fuck, fist, and snuggle serves to build that trust back again.)

Thank you to all of the friends, friends of friends, and strangers that completely support people in dealing with bullies/harassers and assaulters.

What, strangely, has made it easier is that I have an email written by him that he wrote to all of his friends and some of mine stating what he had done. The email was not consensual. He did it hoping I would forgive him and we would continue to date. Because of course that's what he thought. It is the mind of a fucking rapist. The email was just another way assaulters take and push and decide and do whatever the fuck they want.

One of the contexts I addressed this shit was related to an event which, each year for many years, I would work for this one entity in the community.  Last year, he was hired there. When the entity contacted me to work the event I said thank you but no, a person you hired assaulted me. I kept it short, warm, and professional. Below my signature, I included a forwarded copy of the email he had written.

Not my shame.

Let these motherfuckers burn in their own stealing of sex.

It felt good to let his typed violation serve as testimony of his actions.

There's nothing to argue with when it is coming straight from his disgusting mouth.


[Fast forward roughly two months]

Today I found out that he has been fired from his job for a number of reasons.

A coworker of his told a good friend of a good friend of mine, K "in case they were friends". K was like "Fuck no we aren't friends. Do you want to know why?" K told her all of the reasons. My name came up at some point and the coworker said that he was fired for reasons beyond that and K was like "cool he should be fired because he sucks". The coworker at first was like "I don't know, my partner has known him for 10 years" to which K said "I've known a lot of shitty people for 10 years. I'm glad for whatever the combo of reasons you fired him and hell no we're not friends."

Fuck YES.

The most bad ass part of this story is that I've never even met K.  Not yet, anyway. What a motherfucking bad ass. THAT is the kind of support that sheds mountains of shame in one instant. I literally felt it fall. I am so grateful. For all of it.


***

Here is to supporting each other and supporting ourselves.

"With bullies and liars, it's only a matter of time."

That shit will catch up to you

and there are plenty of people who will make sure that it does.




be well; be loved,

k.

(image: Yet another of Milla)

Bring Me My Love, But Mx. Schadenfreude I am Not.

Astrology wise: Today, for everyone/all signs, was supposed to be a day of annoyances.

The goal was to keep yourself in check enough to not go off on people or to let your mind get away from you with stories of cruel intentions.

Tell me: How did you fare today?

(pause)


My day was just as it was called for my particular sign: That I would be annoyed by quite a bit but direct all of it into getting things done.

One paper down. Just like that.

Then I came home to flowers and chocolate on my doorstep, which sounds more scandalous than it is.  It was a sweet gesture of thoughtfulness, and I physically felt my heart get warm.
 
In other news:

1) I am reading an extracurricular book at present that I am learning a lot from.  I will post about it once I'm done, although it may be a while. I'm currently using it as a reward for getting my school readings done.

2) For class I'm currently reading essays on depression in the context of disability and the "right to die".  The information is both necessary and complex. I'm thinking about the professor's choice to keep it until the last days of class.

and

3) (on a vastly different note): Three glorious and extra days for an assignment have appeared out of thin air.

Thank you, thank you and thank you to whatever weird aspect of the universe slid that one into my lip gloss tube. It is appreciated and will be enjoyed.



Be well; be loved,

k.

In the meantime:  Hot Fuck No Love (featuring Cakes da Killa)
(image: PJ Harvy Man-Size)

Northern Lights

It's cold.

Christmas morning with no snow where it is incredibly rare for snow to even show its face.

Sometimes, there is a disconnect.

Between what I feel, what I want, and what I do.

I've always known this to be true.  Or, rather, it has been true ever since it has needed to be.

I'm not sure what to tell you.

Sometimes, I am like Legos and can disassemble myself for self-amusement or for curiosity and, within minutes, erect a fortified wall around me and be off to my own planet to watch you from afar.

It happens.

I've seen it.

Sitting here upon my perch.


-k.

(image: Hiroshi Sugimoto, Bay of Sagami, Atami, 1997 per Elegialane Tumblr)