Sitting here, at 12:22am waiting for the ferry back home makes me think of you. I don't use the ferries as much as you do, so being here at night makes me think of sitting and waiting for a ferry with you in your car almost a year ago exactly- my legs stretched out across your lap.
The wind is making my car rock. It's so dark out here, and I am the only car waiting. The drive to the terminal made my eyes grow wide wondering how people see the roads out here at night. Maybe their eyes adjust like some weird animal. It was incredible, though. Seeing the top of the road so high above me, flanked with the dark silhouettes of majestic pines and being able to see the headlights of a car on the other side of the hill slowly illuminate the peak of the road.
It's magic out here. You were right about that.
II.
Today was spent in the company of a person I admire that I've known for over a decade. We hung out and talked and ate and walked for eleven hours straight. He showed me his world; his town. We talked racial justice, gender, family, white supremacy, tactics, disability justice, community, kink, desire, experience and femme.
In the past week, people have been commenting on how I am glowing. Not just people I know, but strangers. It feels good to be feeding myself such good, good things. People, minds, ideas, art. It radiates, evidently, in literal ways.
I've been reading a lot about neuroscience and meditation and brain states and all the quantum physics/unified field shit that the true science ballers all believed in (what up Tesla; Edison) and that I've believed in for a long ass time. It's day 215 of meditation. It's all connected and it's some truly sci-fi shit at root. Our minds - unhigh and undrunk while simultaneously tapped into- are f-ing amazing in the level of bad ass and witchy shit that they can do.
It feels good to feel my life shifting in ways that I value and aspire to. 2018, strictly on an individual level, was a really good year. It taught me a lot about the value and experience of love that lifts you up, teaches you, encourages you and holds you with trust.
To come full circle and quote A (the person I was hanging out with today) from something he wrote in a card he sent to me much earlier this year:
It's next level toughness to not always go it alone.
Here's to the loves and the light that shine brighter than our fears and solo-rolls. There are plenty of people who feel like monsters. There are plenty of people who march around with armored hearts. Shed the weight of this shame and of this self-reliance.
Collectivism, friendship, trust and struggle is where it's at.
be well; be loved,
k.
P.S. If you get the chance, pick up a copy of Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarainha's book Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice. There is a piece in it entitled Two or Three Things I Know for Sure about Femmes and Suicide: A Love Letter that has both gutted me and set me free. Sometimes there are weights upon your body you don't even recognize are there until someone traces them with their words. Holy fuck, Leah. Reason #56239 that I feel grateful to even indirectly be in community with you.
(image: Thomas Albdorf)
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