Sundown Shadows

A moment of solitude in between adventures made necessary due to the telephone interview I will be taking within the hour.  No one is in the house I am at.  That is intentional.  I am sprawled across the most comfortable king size bed with short shorts on. That is intentional, too.

I am here in the midwest now.  Holy shit it feels so good.  My bones, again, are moving back into place. Swearing and toughness and tenderness all in the perfect amounts.

I've been thinking, lately, about a dating relationship of mine that has ended for good and how much, although I want to be friends at some point, in this moment it feels like such a weight and stress has been taken off of me.  No more melt downs. No more yelling at me. No more being emotionally punitive. No more just being, well, cold in a way that just doesn't feel loving at all. She's been going through so much in life, but one can only accept the ricochet of what one is willing to accept. I care about the person truly, but am currently feeling the warm honey glow of being in a midwest town during Pride Weekend surrounded by people who know what it is to love the shit out of each other and go so fucking deep with not all of the words.  To go deep believing the best of each other.  To go deep because we can and want to. At the same time, there is that odd ghost that pops up. Places I know she would love or love to photograph. People she would enjoy and who would enjoy her. 

In time if it feels right to me.

I have a good track record of folding former lovers into the folds of my life as my best of friends. But the commitment to holding onto each other was always there.  That hasn't felt to be the case with this one, and that matters to me. Sometimes people are so used to doing things fiercely on their own that that is the main and only road they know with a few exceptions.  And I don't want that.  There are things to be fierce about. Fiercely individualist or self sufficient isn't one of them for me. Interdependence, support, community and collaboration towards lesson. That is something to be fierce about. It is the ability and desire to allow people to depend on you and for you to depend on them that is one of so many ways that trauma is undone. And, for me? That is where it's at.  Being brave, stupid, gentle and smart. Lace your fingers with mine and show me who you are. I'll do the same.  Life is so rich and beautiful and even overwhelming at times with the beauty of those that are okay with looking silly in true attempts to connect.  I love every person who strives toward that.  That includes me.  And I guess that is the lesson of all of this.


be well; be loved,

k. 

(Image: En. .bLanc. via ilmiolabirinto tumblr)