Nerd-Core Love: On the Topic of Mental Illness and the People We Love

A topic that has come up over the years has been related to how to love people who are in our lives that struggle with mental health issues while ensuring that the person's struggles aren't having negative impacts on our own ability to lead a bad ass and joyous life. How can one care about a person, be passionate about not buying into the stigma that people who have mental health issues have to deal with, but at the same time know when it's best to let someone go because of how un-managed or not-more-fully-yet-managed illness can manifest?

When a person has healthy ways of managing mental illness, it's a matter of flexibility and just compassion for someone having to deal with some pretty serious and consuming things that they can't entirely control. Depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and various anxiety disorders, to name a just a few, have all been things some of the things people in my life have or do struggle with.  They are all real and life impacting realities.  No one is "being difficult", "being a downer", "being dramatic", or just "being crazy".

To say those kinds of things implies that mental health issues are a choice.

I want to share something because these conversations have come up in my circle of friends lately. It's something that has worked for me in figuring out if the friendship / relationship is sustainable or not.  (Here, I'm not talking about family relationships. For numerous reasons, these can be way harder to navigate or distance yourself from). 

What has been most helpful to me in my decision making process is actually related to, of all things,  time:

If you find yourself having to handle negativity or spite or lash outs or process that is directly connected to the person's mental health situation more than you are able to do anything else with that person:  It's probably something that should be let go of.

If, for the most part, you find that you have to alter your behavior so that they don't break down (crying or yelling or going on hours of negativity-- whatever it is that would manifest), this is something to pay attention to, and to respect by considering how this is or is not working for you/your goals/your needs and happiness. While it is important not to stigmatize people with mental health issues, it is equally if not more important not to sacrifice your own happiness/excitement/sense of adventure in life in order to keep them in it.

Just because a person struggles with mental health issues, does not mean that you need to change your life to be centered around their illness.  In fact, you shouldn't. Being in a 'care taker' role with someone who struggles with mental illness isn't respectful of them or of you.  If the person cares about you, too, on some level they will understand why you have to distance yourself from them.

And if they don't?  That is a whole 'nother level of something that has nothing to do with you.

Love yourself.  Love the people in your life. Don't perpetuate mental health stigmas. But don't allow yourself to be mistreated by someone struggling to figure out how to manage their mental illness.



[An important note:  Mental health issues and abuse can co-exist.  A person's mental illness is not an excuse for abusive behavior.  Here, I've focused mostly on mental health issues assuming that abuse and patterns of abuse are not in the mix.  However, they can be and without question, sometimes are.]

(image from street ettiquette tumblr)