"Heartbreaker" as Code For "The Bitch Asked For it"

What a week.

A threat of gun violence to the library system I work in, an incompetent police handling of the situation (amount of surprise = zero), and an ex from long, long ago resurfacing with his b.s. of white man syndrome demanding things go his way.

I'm friends with most of my exes. This fact, while it annoys some people, is not something that comes as a surprise to me.  I tend only to date people I feel fairly certain I want in my life forever, really. And these people have been in and continue to be in my life as friends, lovers, teachers, inspiration-machines, and all of the above.

But, there are a few named exceptions. Of the roughly four I can think of, those exceptions are people who have tried to use violence against me (physical, emotional, verbal or sexual).  That is not something I want to have in my life, and I have no issue with entirely dumping a person who does those things. I just don't.

Sure, it's annoying when their acquaintences tell me what a "heartbreaker" I am, and how their friend is "so sad".  It's like, do I just say "Well, that's what happens when someone is acts in abusive and violent ways in a relationship"?  Sometimes.  Do I say "Well, that's what happens when someone violates my sexual boundaries,"  Sure, why not?  I come from the school of politics that sees a value and power in naming the violence, not buying into this bullshit of racist/sexist/classist/binary gender enforcing/etc corrupt system that defines violence for a person. (Oh! That crowd of people (read: black)  needs to be subdued and tear gassed vs. That crowd of people (read: white) are just having a Pumpkin Fest, as an example of violence defined by such a system...) I'm not apologetic about that fact.

But there is one specific person I reserve a particular dislike towards.  It is only because he is the type of person who is the kind of guy who will go to conversations to "help other men learn about becoming allies to women" when he's a guy who, when I was being violently stalked a number of years ago by a man who was a stranger to me, purposefully did some things to make the situation more dangerous for me.  When I confronted him about it at the time, he told me that when we were dating (I had dumped him about a year prior), that he "never felt like (he) had an impact on (my) emotions and wanted to have an impact on (me), even if it was a fucked up and negative one".

I seriously can't even believe that people like this exist.

But, they do.

In the area of men and violence against women and women-read people, there are men who are allies, there are men who are neutral and thus are not allies, and then there are men who will help and/or make it easier for another man to use violence against a woman because of their own insecure and baby-ass shit.  (P.S., Bigboy: Using systems of oppression and violence against me when a stranger was following me home at night from work and threatening to kick my teeth in is not you "having an impact on my emotions": It is you being pitiful and desperate.)

(pause)

A man's insecurities can end up with a woman being dead- by his hand or by helping the hand of another.

And it happens.

Every fucking day.


So when somebody calls me a "heartbreaker" in regards to this motherfucker,  you're damn fucking right they are going to know the name of that violence.



be well, be loved.

k.

(image credit: from eroc!ca tumblr)