Turning points are always so informative about who you are and what you value.
We've all had them.
Think back to a turning point for yourself. A moment that made you make a change, or something that shifted how you felt about some thing or some one or some situation in your life.
What was it that happened that made it shift so completely?
Can you recall how time slowed down a bit as you realized what you absolutely had to do?
(pause)
Not too long ago but also long ago, I went to go see a live/play version of Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
It's a play that has impacted more or less 90% of all queer and trans people I have ever known and, thus, also impacted me profoundly when I saw it for the first time ages ago. During the more recent show, there was this queer boy sitting behind me and to my left. We laughed and yelled and cheered for the exact same things while no one else did. (It was opening night. There were a lot of funders of the theater there, season ticket holders and other people who just didn't get it.)
I recall after the show, going to share one of the songs with the person I had gone to the show with - someone I had been dating, but was technically broken up with at the time.
Long story short: She got mad and impatient and exploded. How she interacted with me that night after Hedwig made something shift for me. It was something of the stark contrast in the meanness of her behavior with the incredible beauty of the story of that show.
What was I doing hanging out with someone who not only didn't get/have interest in the musical Hedwig and the genius of John Cameron Mitchell but, on top of and separate from that, was seemingly fine with speaking to the people she loves with such unkind words in such an explosive way?
It wasn't the first or second time it had happened. I was still getting to know her, but had seen her talk to people she loves in really cruel ways. Then she did it to me. It was why I had broken up with her. This was one of those attempts at friendship or a blurry date or, something that an aching heart tends to do. But that night things shifted for me.
After her outburst, she left in her car. I sat in mine and listened to various versions of Wicked Little Town. Something had changed for me. It felt positive. Sad. Beautiful. Hard. Loving. Much like the story I was listening to being sung, or the tale I had just seen on stage.
Love, no matter how it's struggling, would never be fine with those kinds of actions and words. I could love a person in their entirety, but I still - unapologetically and clearly- knew I deserved more than that.
Integrity matters in both words and actions.
['Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves]
Needless to say: I made some decisions, set some boundaries, and that night of Hedwig would serve as the last time I would interact with her in person.
(pause)
The universe, in its strange and funny way, put me in a gloriously queer context about a week later. Drag queens and community organizers and djs and dogs. A femmey butch queer man with so much knowledge and incredible taste in/about music and I began chatting. I liked what he had to say. I liked his attitude, his friendliness, his style and what he was involved with. We kept chatting. Exchanged music recommendations. We kept chatting and chatting and...
He pushed up his sleeves. I stared. "I love your tattoo. From Hedwig, right?" (I already knew the answer).
He said yes, paused, and added, "You know, part of why I have this tattoo because it's a way to know pretty immediately if someone is awesome or not. Awesome people recognize it and, as soon as they do, I already know that they are incredible people."
Word.
(pause)
There will always be something to be said about people who understand the pain, love, tenderness, beauty, loss, gain, terribleness, forgiveness, vulnerability and complexity of this moment:
(From the movie musical) : God, watch their eye contact and exchange
Here is to the necessary turning points and glory of musicals-as-church-yet-of-course-one-of-the-main-characters-last-names-is-Gnosis.
Keep loving out there- yourselves and others. Keep celebrating every piece of the complexity of your beauty - inside and out.
be well; be loved,
k.
P.S. Tonight RENT LIVE will be shown with Valentina as my favorite character !
P.S.S. A general reminder I received today: We need each other to heal. Bam
(image: one of nine zillion drawings related to The Origin of Love from Hedwig found on the internet.)
(italicized words: Lyrics from Under Pressure written by yet another beautiful gender maniac)
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