The room I am in smells like campfire and I absolutely love it. The flannel sheets and layers-of-clouds blankets I am smuggled away in just makes it even better.
II.
My first memory of the importance of femmes-supporting-femmes was back in the midwest. I was hanging out with my friend Zakiyyah, a femme presenting person, at a restaurant. A woman in a beautiful dress and heels walked by us and into the bathroom. Later, as Zakiyyah and I sat there talking, the same woman walked by leaving the bathroom. All of a sudden- mid conversation- Z got up and ran after her. I turned around to see what was happening. As I did, I saw that the woman had a trail of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of her shoe. Z ran up behind her, stepped on the toilet paper (causing it to detach from the woman's shoe), pick it up and throw it out. All without the woman even knowing.
I'm not sure I will every be able to articulate how beautiful, strong, and tender this moment was. There was something about this femme running after another femme to do this. To assist another femme in her gender presentation. To assist in her looking and/or feeling flawless in a world that does nothing but point out one's flaws.
III.
There has been a friendship I have been cultivating for years (roughly around 8? 9?) with friend of mine that has meant a lot to me. I mention it because, a year and some ago, I made a conscious choice to ask her to be involved in something I was scared to ask her to be involved in. Not scared as in "I'm going to die" but just scared as in "I might be rejected". But, at the time, I knew that it would be such an important form of support for something I was going through at the time. I also knew that it could be a dive so that she and I could get closer. I had been friends with her for so long but we always seemed hesitant to take the next step so to speak and become close friends in the way that involved things that felt like heavily weighted risks of trust.
Anyway, I asked her and she showed up- 150%.
Since then, we've continued getting closer. She actually reminds me, in a lot of ways, of J in the way that she is a tough ass femme. It's familiar to me. This quality of being seemingly entirely unflappable on all levels. "Femme armor" I have read it described as. I can't think of a more apt description of way femmes hold themselves to all of the fucking bullshit that is thrown at them on an actual daily basis.
I'm thinking about her tonight because we had quite a beautiful interaction both this weekend and today. I had sent her a copy of that essay on femmes and suicide that I mentioned a few days ago after her and I had this whole conversation about a very common bullshit narrative that femmes tend to have to deal with. When I sent it to her, I wrote to her about what her friendship has meant and why. Today I received a message from her talking about an aspect of her life that she had struggled with that me and another femme have acted as role models of sorts for. I read it and started tearing up. I was completely floored.
Femme-read people have so much weight, expectation, violence and blame put on them. Tonight I'm just feeling very proud of and grateful for all of the femme-read people who have been in and/or are in my life. There is a particular type of connection in how we are able see each other. There is a power in how we show up for each other when it matters most. And somewhere in the midst of this connection and this power, a pact is woven. Something less of "friends" and more of "coven".
Thank you for the things you have taught me. Thank you for the risks you have taken. Thank you for holding me stronger and in a more tailored way than anyone can when I dive or simply when I take a fall. And, most importantly, thank you for letting me hold you when you need it - and even when you don't.
Be well; be loved,
k.
(title: You know who. via yvonneconstance tumblr)
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