(The Breaking of) Time Capsules

Tonight we sat at a local, filthy queer bar that I've been reclaiming piece by piece.  We sat next to each other and for the first time caught up past our needed conversations. We filled each other in on the people who have mattered in our lives over the last three years.  I got to tell you about one of my favorites and you said, "Wait. Isn't that your brother's name?" and I laughed and said "Yes, and that's the reason she wouldn't let me introduce her with that name when she met him." It felt good to tell you about her. It felt as if she hadn't fully existed until I was able to tell you about her. That's how it is with family. That strange inclination to hold our most dear and important loves/pains until we can lay it in front of the people who matter most.  A cat bringing in some kind of mangled bird in desperation- a term of endearment and trust.

There's so much love and so much emotion, still, just under the surface after these three years. It will take time for us to feel and figure out next steps. That is just part of repair. It feels good. New. Old. Unfamiliar. Familial. It's strange to think that almost every night for three years we slept under the same roof and, a few times, in the same bed.

It feels good to have people in my life who believe, love, and look out for me. Sometimes it can be hard to accept. It brings up sadness. I am glad that some of these people are completely balls out with how unflinchingly they will confront what is wrong, and how steadily they will stand in what is right.

I have to remind myself that deserve that.

So do you.

Oppressive crap isn't going to stop in the face of politeness.  I am okay with being hated.  I have been for a long time. I am both proud and relieved that I surround myself with people who are equally unmoved by coolness or by peer pressure. This interweaving of our love and protection and integrity and justified anger.

Such a beautiful and strong enmeshing we have created.

Such a beautiful and strong wicker we have become.


be well; be loved,

k.

(image: Florian Pessenteiner via nervedamage tumblr)