I Appreciate the Thought But, No, I Can't Go See the Tulips With You

 I get it now: 

Why it meant so much to you that, when we drove to Portland to go and see Neutral Milk Hotel, I stood by you and did my little "guard" thing. You had a severe back injury due to an accident that happened years prior in California. So much so that you couldn't stand for a long time without your legs starting to go numb.  Every time we would go to a show together (all of the time, thankfully), I would seek out a stool or chair and shoo people away from it in order to give it to you. 

(I knew sometimes it was awkward for you because people read you as a young boy- both 'young' and 'boy' being 'reasons' you should not need to sit down, let alone have someone bring you a chair.)

When there wasn't a chair around, you would sit on the floor in a sea of standing people, and I would stand behind you - one foot on either side of your hips- forming a little human guardrail so that no one would step on you.

I didn't think of it much at the time.

It was just a second nature taught to me by folks in my life with various disabilities.

But now I get it.  

I get why it meant so much to you.  

I get how it took pressure off of you. I get how you weren't put in a position to feel broken or like a drag or like someone who couldn't keep up. I understand now why you would get emotional about it sometimes- emotional in the good way. 

You deserved that. 

I'm glad that I gave that to you.

 I'm glad that you accepted it. 

It's odd to think that I understand why it mattered to you more now than I did at the time.

***

Tonight I sat at a metal table out in the light rain with a friend of mine and we traded dreams and insights. The air has been smelling so beautiful as of late starting just around 7:30pm. 

I wish I could tell you all of it.  For now I will just say that things are more than well. They are beautiful and calm and inspired and way too influenced by the Spring. There's a joy in my heart I can't quite explain. 

And, at the same time, there's a pinch in my heart.

There's room for both.

The joy is many things,
 one of which is watching your influence inform my actions.

The pinch is not so many things,
one of which is experiencing this joy without you.


Be well; be loved,

k.

[image: Consolatrix Afflictorum: A street shrine for Our Lady, Consoler of the Afflicted in Savona, Italy. via allaboutmary tumblr ]